Special Guest Jack Shitama: Leading With Courage

Are You Reacting or Responding? Becoming Your True Self in Ministry

Family Systems Theory has revolutionized how many church leaders approach ministry, and few individuals have made this complex field as accessible as Jack Shatama. In this enlightening conversation on the Church Renewal Podcast, Jack shares profound insights about differentiation, reactivity, and maintaining a non-anxious presence in challenging ministry contexts.

Jack's journey into family systems began shortly after his baptism at age 27, when within three years he found himself pastoring a United Methodist Church while attending seminary. It was there he encountered Edwin Friedman's seminal work "Generation to Generation: Family Process in Church and Synagogue" and recognized its transformative potential. By creating his own genogram and exploring family patterns, Jack gained clarity about himself and discovered invaluable insights for congregational leadership.

One of the most liberating realizations for ministry leaders who embrace family systems thinking is that they don't need to take things personally. As Jack explains, "It's not as if people are out to hurt you or they're out to get you. It's just people are uncomfortable, they're not dealing with their own anxiety, they're not dealing with change very well, and they're just looking for a place to put it." This perspective shift allows leaders to become instruments of grace rather than reactive participants in unhealthy systems.

The concept of differentiation emerges as central to healthy leadership. Jack defines it as "the ability to self-define while remaining emotionally connected." This dual capacity allows leaders to stand firm in their convictions while maintaining meaningful relationships. When any person in a system—particularly a leader—differentiates, it creates healthy emotional space that enables others to mature as well. It's a paradoxical truth that one person's healthy boundaries can transform an entire system.

Many ministry leaders struggle with people-pleasing tendencies that lead to burnout. Jack acknowledges this challenge, distinguishing between reactivity (responding defensively or aggressively) and adaptivity (giving in without standing up for yourself). Both are unhealthy responses rooted in anxiety. The remedy isn't to never feel anxious but to regulate those feelings so they don't exacerbate difficult situations. According to Murray Bowen, even the most differentiated individuals only manage this about 50% of the time, with most averaging around 33%. This realization offers grace to leaders who sometimes respond imperfectly.

Perhaps the most practical insight for transitional pastors and those introducing change is understanding how to recognize and respond to sabotage. Jack suggests asking a simple question: "Who are they defining—themselves or you?" When people define themselves by expressing their own views or feelings, it creates space for genuine dialogue. Conversely, when they define you or others, it often indicates unprocessed anxiety being projected outward.

For ministry leaders facing criticism or resistance, reframing these encounters can be transformative. Rather than viewing criticism as an attack, recognize it as an implicit question: "Do you care about me enough to listen, be present, and speak truth while staying engaged?" When leaders respond with a non-anxious presence—neither fighting back nor disconnecting—they demonstrate care that can transform critics into supporters.

The conversation concludes with a powerful reminder that acknowledging our mistakes and limitations isn't weakness but strength. The ability to say, "That's probably a me issue" creates safety for others and demonstrates true leadership. This humble posture reflects the essence of God's grace working through us to become the people He calls us to be.

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