Triangles & Traps: Staying Out of the Middle
- Matthew Bohling
- 11 hours ago
- 3 min read
Triangulation: The Hidden Dynamic Undermining Church Health
In the complex web of church relationships, one pattern emerges with remarkable frequency: triangulation. This seemingly innocent relational dynamic can slowly erode church health, leadership effectiveness, and spiritual maturity—often without anyone recognizing what's happening until significant damage has occurred.
Triangulation occurs whenever two people talk about a third person who isn't present. While this definition might make us all guilty at times, the unhealthy version involves something more insidious: the unconscious effort to manage anxiety or tension by bringing a third party into a relationship dynamic. As family systems theorist Edwin Friedman noted, triangles are the most stable relational form—which explains why they're so common and so difficult to escape.
What makes triangulation particularly dangerous in church settings is how it masquerades as spiritual concern or even leadership responsibility. A church member approaches an elder with concerns about the pastor's sermon. A parent complains to another parent about a youth leader's decision. A staff member vents to a board member about the executive pastor's management style. In each case, the healthier path—direct communication—is avoided in favor of the easier path of triangulation.
The consequences are profound. When leaders allow themselves to be triangulated, they unwittingly reinforce immaturity in the congregation. As one leader aptly describes it, people walk into your office carrying their "monkeys" (problems) and try to leave them with you. Many pastors' offices are soon overrun with other people's monkeys, leaving the pastor exhausted while congregation members remain underdeveloped.
Perhaps most troubling is what Friedman observed about unhealthy systems: "A community system will focus the majority of its energy to protect its weakest parts and it will do so at the expense of its strongest parts." In practice, this means churches often lose their best leaders while protecting their most dysfunctional members—largely through triangulation patterns that sabotage direct, healthy confrontation.
Breaking free from triangulation requires differentiation—the ability to define yourself and your responsibilities clearly while maintaining emotional connection. When someone approaches you about someone else, the differentiated response isn't "I'll handle it" (taking their monkey) or "That's your problem" (emotional cutoff). Instead, it might sound like: "I understand you're frustrated. What do you think you should do about that?" or "I'm happy to help you prepare for that conversation with them."
For church leaders, recognizing when you're being triangulated is essential. The telltale signs include being asked to solve problems between others, hearing phrases like "Did you hear what so-and-so did?" or feeling that someone expects you to be indignant or angry on their behalf. The wise response is to refuse the triangle without refusing the relationship.
Ultimately, triangulation reveals our deeper struggles with identity and acceptance. Leaders who are secure in Christ can withstand the disappointment of others when they refuse to be triangulated. They understand that their calling isn't to solve everyone's problems but to point people to Jesus and help them mature. By modeling differentiated leadership, they create healthier systems where direct communication becomes the norm and spiritual maturity can flourish.
The next time someone tries to hand you their monkey, remember: you can acknowledge the monkey without taking ownership of it. That distinction may be the difference between a church that enables dysfunction and one that cultivates maturity.
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