She Came By It Honestly: Do Your Own Work
- Matthew Bohling
- Oct 23
- 3 min read
Understanding how your family of origin shapes your leadership approach is one of the most overlooked aspects of ministry preparation. As pastors, we often believe that our calling somehow exempts us from the patterns, wounds, and relational habits we learned growing up. The truth, as explored in our recent podcast episode, is that these family dynamics profoundly influence how we lead, respond to conflict, make decisions, and relate to others in ministry contexts.
The concept of reactivity versus responsiveness lies at the core of understanding family of origin work. When we react, we operate from our limbic system—our "alligator brain"—engaging in fight, flight, or freeze behaviors that were often programmed during our formative years. These reactions bypass our prefrontal cortex where thoughtful, intentional responses would otherwise originate. As leaders, our unexamined reactive patterns can damage relationships, derail ministry initiatives, and create unhealthy church cultures that mirror our family dysfunction rather than Christ's design for His church.
Scripture provides numerous examples of family patterns repeating across generations. The podcast highlights David's family as a powerful case study. David's failure to address his own sin with Bathsheba created a template that his son Amnon followed in his treatment of Tamar. The consequences cascaded through generations, eventually leading to the division of Israel. This biblical example demonstrates how unresolved family issues don't remain private—they inevitably surface in leadership contexts with magnified consequences. The sins and wounds of leaders ripple outward, affecting entire communities and, in David's case, a nation.
Many church leaders resist examining their family background, believing it's irrelevant to their present ministry or dismissing it as "frou-frou" psychological work rather than spiritual formation. However, the reality is that your leadership approach has been profoundly shaped by your family experiences. If you grew up in a conflict-avoidant home, you likely struggle with healthy confrontation in your church. If your family emphasized performance and outcomes, you might lead with unhealthy perfectionism. Our blind spots exist precisely because we cannot see them—they feel normal because they've always been part of our experience.
Practical tools for family of origin work include creating genograms (family trees with additional layers noting relationship patterns, major life events, and family traumas) and personal timelines. These exercises help identify recurring patterns and provide insights into why you react the way you do in certain situations. The goal isn't to blame parents or ancestors but to understand how these patterns have shaped you so you can intentionally choose different, healthier responses that align with your identity in Christ rather than your family's dysfunction.
For pastors hesitant to engage in this work, start by examining your worst failures or most persistent struggles. Ask yourself: "Why did that happen? Where might that pattern have originated in my family history?" Finding a trusted friend or counselor to help you process these insights is invaluable—sometimes our spouse isn't the best initial conversation partner as our marital dynamics may be affected by the very patterns we're trying to identify. Books like "Emotionally Healthy Discipleship" by Peter Scazzero and "How We Love" by Milan and Kay Yerkovich offer helpful frameworks for this journey.
The ultimate goal of family of origin work isn't simply self-awareness but transformation through Christ. By understanding how you've been shaped, you can more intentionally apply the gospel to your temptations, tendencies, and identity issues. This work allows you to lead not from your family's blueprint but from your secure identity in Christ, creating healthier patterns that will bless your ministry and the next generation of leaders you're forming
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